My electoral roll update form arrived in the post yesterday afternoon.

I can’t be the only person these days who regularly muses what they’d do if there were a general election tomorrow. I’m of a generation that was brought up never to waste one’s constitutional right but, at the moment, my instinct would be to draw a giant penis on the ballot paper.

I’ve been something of a floating voter over the years. I greatly admire the Labour Party of old (I’m not talking Blair, Brown, the “it’s all about me” Alastair Campbell and their like); I’ve voted Conservative (albeit with restrained enthusiasm), and I’ve gone Lib Dem, until I saw how utterly useless they were when they got their hands on a Kent council for a term.

I’m a moderate and extremes of view, whatever side they come from, make me deeply uncomfortable.

I left school with two O levels, never went to university but have worked hard and had a successful small business for 25 years.

I happily (well, most of the time!) pay my taxes and, having just seen my Dad looked after by the NHS in the most amazing and caring way during the last couple of weeks of his life, I would gladly pay an extra penny or two on the pound to our nurses, doctors, firemen, police officers, teachers, care workers and paramedics if I felt it was for their benefit – and not to fund another bunch of numpty administrators with their spreadsheets and key performance indicators.

I’ve given of my spare time to help charitable causes. I thoroughly enjoy (and consider it an honour) to mentor young people entering my profession. And I don’t necessarily believe a country’s most essential services should always be run for profit, unless there is enduring, tangible evidence they are done so in a more effective way and one that looks each and every customer, especially the more vulnerable members of our communities.

The behaviour of the Conservative Party over the past three years is beyond unforgivable. What an absolute rabble – squabbling like a bunch of street corner drug dealers desperate to secure their “patch” no matter the price. A party now only concerned with personal self-interest and getting their pathetic childish way regardless of the damage it does to the country in the process.

They are now an utterly appalling lot (with depressingly few exceptions) and the fact they remain so (relatively) popular just shows you how bloody awful things are when you look across the political aisle. Maybe Johnson (can we please stop with the chummy ‘Boris’) will have led us all to Nirvana by Christmas. And maybe Santa will bring me back a full head of hair and my beachside villa in Koh Samui at the same time!

As for Labour? Well, let’s get one thing clear, it’s no longer a political party, it’s a cult built around one deluded, dangerous and utterly clueless old leftie who would have this country on its knees within a year of taking power. And I am utterly appalled and repelled that, in 2019, Britain should be home to a major western world political movement mired in anti-Semitism.

As for the Corbynistas, one look at social media tells you many are amongst the most blinkered, intolerant and thoroughly nasty of species. And, yes, if you can’t rationally criticise a political leader without unleashing the venom of their supporters, then it is a cult!

With another leader, Labour would have me. Under Comrade Jezza, not in a million years would I want my country in the hands of him and people like the deeply sinister John McDonnell and the effortlessly incompetent Diane Abbott.

The Lib Dems? As above. The Greens? That’s all lovely, idealistic, cozy stuff, but really? And that’s sad because what I desperately want for this country now is an intelligent, compassionate centre-ground political party that isn’t possessed with either a narcissistic lunacy or a pathetic obsession that socialism (or, at least, their warped view of it) works.

So, tell me – to where is someone like me supposed to turn politically because I’m rubbish at drawing a penis?!